Random at work thoughts

I’ve been here before. Taking my two hands, three fingers each, rubbing the temples of my forehead. A deep gulp, a sigh, and a yawn with a promising set of low eyes that set my tone of mood. Sitting at my desk I hear people talking and passing by. I view them from the corner of my eye but not fully because I am not a people person as of today. I answer the phone in a tone in which I try to sound humble but that is the least of it. Only to the ones I work with do I have a sense of kindness to my voice today. However, only for the monetary bliss of it and how it pleases the moment. Sitting here and I am ready to leave within the hour when I only have 5 Left. 5 hours feels more like 5 years sitting here taking in the sounds of the music played even in the back office. Why do I have to be subjected to this terrible music? This random selection of genres in which I can tolerate yet feel like I am being choked by it every time I hear that same song being played that’s stuck in my head over the months and I catch myself humming to it like I actually like the song. I sense a slight bit of anger but then I breathe. I tell my self to stay content. Stay content for the promise of money. The Money I get every two weeks, wishing they would come around faster than they do. The Attraction walks by. Only thinking about him in ways that would be satisfactory to a life I wish I could live. The carefree one. The “Live Life Everyday to the Fullest” one. Picturing how it would only end in so many ways. None in which I am happy for a long period of time. Looking down at my paper, my notes. I’d rather be in a lecture of some sort right now. That takes me back to school. When things were interesting and life was like taking a road trip everyday. Never knowing where it might lead you or who you might meet along the way. Maybe a best friend, a long lost relative, a significant other, a spouse, a confidant. Only with so much more to the imagination. Taking the trip to remember the good memories in life. Chewing my fruit flavor gum slowly and adjusting my eyes to the computer screen. Stretching my arms and finding meaningless things to do because the important things very seldom get recognized in my world. I sit here and do nothing so am I nothing to some people? I have a more filling day when I am at home doing the same thing, which is nothing. My days drag to the point of where I am tired from being tired. But how can I complain when there are way worse off people than I am in this world? In this Country? In this region? In this State? In this city? On this block? In this Building? In this department? Right next to me? Me? Don’t get me wrong I feel blessed. I am satisfied. I am content. I am happy. But I have yet to be fulfilled. But maybe I have to live my life first before I could even reach that notion. Stop, Why are my hands and feet always cold? It could be hot or room temperature and my hands and feet would always be cold. I never understood that. Maybe I’m a vampire and I don’t know it. Laughing at that thought. Like the thought I have when I am smiling for a picture and my eyes squint as if I am half black half Asian. I laugh at my flaws. Maybe it’s because I only see them as me being human. Taking those cold hands to wipe my eyes. Looking straight ahead at push pins, papers, and corkboard. Things put up for us to remember. Some things have changed, some have stayed the same. Like my friendships or my family ties. Today is my nieces birthday. She’s turning two. I really want to be the aunt I dream to be and think I can be. We live so far away. Will they even remember me? When I have enough money and establishment to take them places and do things with them? Teach them, Spoil them, Love them Listen to them. And not like a mother listens to a child but how an aunt does it? I need something that drives me. To give me will power. I don’t want a life lesson per say, I just need a …Force. To push me into to what I know I can achieve with the character I already exude. I look down at my nails. They are growing back again. I wonder how many times they will grow and break and grow back again? How many times has it happened already? The attraction comes to my desk. Standing there tall, back straight, clean shave, Hair cut, Melting smile. He hands me paper for a request. I want to push it away and tell him he can have me right here. That’s that carefree thought. I say okay and he lingers telling me something else but I drift into his eyes. I like the way he lingers. As if he is trying to tell me something but then decides not to. Like a secret. Minutes pass. I break out the highlighter and high light the times people claim they are leaving. Its 3:07 Pm. Standard Eastern Time. Worrying if I will make my financial situation work. Why does money have to be the root of all evil? But yet and still money doesn’t grow on trees? I lol to that. I’m allowing these thoughts. They are mine I can have them. I can express them. Or I can keep them as a secret. The attraction is jealous. He wants someone to talk to him. I’d rather do something else. Mind in the gutter. It’s there half of the time. I leave soon. But not right now. I got to wait.

Intense

The first time I ever really looked in your window
It was intense
A wave crashing over me
Pulling me in
I remember every moment
The Happy
The sad
The indifferent
The now
Wishing I had this butterfly effect
Change my past
To fill you into my future
My feelings for you
Like a sentence with a blank space
A, b, or c could be the fill-in
Like that cavity that was never filled-in
I’m still complaining
Because I still don’t have an answer to why it hurts so much?
Hurts as in present-tense
And I feel like I am beating on a dead horse
Dragging unexplained things through the mud
I pride myself for stopping for a whole year
But my strength doesn’t seem to make sense when it comes to you
Like fire fighting water
Who wins?
Trying to make myself hate you?
It didn’t work
Trying to ignore you?
I kept paying attention
Not trying to be your friend
Or your enemy
Where is the balance?
Maybe they’re left with so many unanswered questions

Fantasee

Every time I look at him a weakness forms
And I’m not sure if it’s the fact that he is fine
Or the way he acts when he exudes maturity
But I can’t stop imagining
His touch may be like heaven (thinking)
Or something to the likeness of orgasmic (Sinking)
I close my eyes just to fantasize
I want him
He wants me
But in all reality we can’t be
So in all fantasy is where I chose to be satisfied
His eyes being a deep sea of satisfaction
Standing there with me on his mind
And my mind on the dream I had about him last night
Fighting the urge to just pin him down
With lips that would kiss with the power of passion
Our conversations minimal
Mind melted on the physical
He has me crossing my legs
Licking my lips
My mind racing with the thought of him
In front of me
Beside me
Behind me
Inside me
Bringing out the freak that even sees a blind me
As I want him
He wants me
Anytime
Anyplace
My hands gripping his back
His hands embracing my face
Intensity is formed
He says my name which is not in his norm
So all that does is just turn me on
I’m light switched with energy
Taking in all that he is giving me
Each stroke has me arched for more
It’s so good it’s bad that I begin to whisper in Soliloquy
Breathing deep
Moaning in the movement
He is playing it right
Having me up all night
His goodness song worthy
Saying the right things and being so wordy
He takes me there
I bring him near
Beauty in the eyes stop to stare
As our bodies begin to lift in mid air
Is this the feeling of ecstasy?
Or is the definition not there?
We continue as the experience heightens
Passionate moans are no longer lightened
We begin our own soundtrack
Deep
We close our eyes on the finale of the show
And like our life flashing before our eyes upon death
We envision what our future can bring us
I blink
He is calling my name
I am back to reality
I can have him
But I’d rather have my fantasy

King Among Men

Tired of these fools
Their B.S
Their hot mess
Trying to find a king among men is agonizing
Reading through the lines of their bullshit I wonder
Will I meet all different versions of an asshole before I meet one that is not?
Even the cutty buddy is having his high horse rode in on.
I'm learning to give them 2%
2% milk
no 2% of my attention
because did I regret to mention they are weak?
No game
they catch my eye for a split second and then they show their ass
And with that I'm beginning to change
Diapers?
No...
My ways
My thoughts
MY Trust?
I have in no one but God
False accusations
what happened to being real?
Not Crazy or lazy but...
Real?
Honesty the best policy
It's not that you can't handle it
because they don't give a shit about your feelings anyway
but it is rather will you stay mad for a long period of time?
Do you still want to curse him to high heavens to make him feel less of a man or more of how you feel when you were hurt by him?
I am tired
but how do I manage to stay happy?
Smile across my face
While they continue to be lame?
Where is my king among men?

Persona

I look
And I laugh
His eyes
I do gaze
In my sight
in my mind
in my thoughts
so amazed
in his smile
in my sigh
wanna run from this guy
but i stay
and i pray
God will this be the day?
if i make
then I brake
and the hands
I dont shake
cause the flu
is the new
none for me
some for you
and i walk
i do talk
with the music
in my ear
and the stalk
holds sthe corn
sounds are butta just to hear
To understand
is to plan
Screaming loud
yes we can
needing money
tea for honey
but I Just got ham
ham no burger
too bad
but we gotta do a merger
want my own
in the zone
gotta have my own dollas
with my heels
to the floor
and I scream out holla
fill my cup
with a drink
let me think
time to sink
deep in debt
financial threats
all against me
but i smile
all the while
teeth shining
yes bling
with the sun
up high
what will this day bring?
all a dream
yet it seems
that the world
just a scheme
look for heaven
and again
tryna find it
in the wind
take your time
all is fine
you will grow
a better mind
better thoughts
better ways
always having
better days
take a look
at my words
in book
got you cold
colder
warmer
warmer
hotter
you found me
this is me
Complicated Simplicity.

Fingers to my Temple

Small thing sparks a BIG THING

I stomp and I rave and I rant

Is God Laughing at me?

Trapped in Time

You could have stabbed me

Blackened my eyes

My bruises would heal

But I have memories

And I have forgiven

But the fact that I haven't forgotten still destroys me

An empty space

Where was the pad lock over my heart?

Where the hell was the protection?

I paid in tears and in cash

Still it Haunts my thoughts because the pain lives in my heart

Why am I remembering what weakens me?

Long gone

Not in my presence

Yet the thought carries on

Wanting to demolish the memory

I let you get the best of me

When can I get the best of me back?

Never?

The worst pain is the one that sticks with you

The strongest adhesive

Did it make me Stronger?

Good question

You are my ruin

Half Hearted

I wish I could take back everything ever given to you

All the way down to these words

This is not regret

This is a cry for relief

This hole leaving me partially soul-less

Its 4:14 am

Right around that time I told you the stupidity that rolled off my tongue

But you never stopped me

Never said yes

But never no either

I smile

I joke

But I wish I never met you

And I mean it

The only thing you have ever given me wasn't friendship

You gave me

In a nicely wrapped box

A red bow

and a curse

I'M STILL TRAPPED IN TIME

In God's Eyes ( This is for Christy)

With both palms raised to the ceiling

She weighs her options

One is feeling heavier than the other and she can't bare the strain

It blisters pain

The other

Light as air and cool as a summer breeze

So with her other hand she brushes off the heaviness from the first hand

She sighs with relief

A Smile and a dimple of curiosity forms on her face

She views sunshine

and maybe even rainy days being her happiest ones

Drawn to him like a painter awaiting a blank canvas

Good conversation, leading to great presence

Leading to........ beyond what they could only share

Now shaken of the outcome but of the butterflies in her stomach type of affect

She reaches for his hand but she still pulls back

Is it that she's scared of the unexpected?

Though she has encountered him for double one's

Yet still on the intrigue

He has a mystery she wants to solve

Though this is not a silly game they play

This is her life

Her heart

This is his life

His heart

Is this Their life?

A joining of hearts?

Good things take time

Great things are there with you from the start

Yet not quite a visual on its potential

But with double one's she began to see him in a new light

She breathes change

She lives for her happiness

And with this cool breeze she has yet not to smile

Always winding up in the same place

Always seeing the same familiar face

Is God trying to tell us something?

Forget the what ifs

How about the what is going to happen right now

But still time for discovery

So slow on the urgency

Yield to the time

But press on through the expression?

If she drives

He flies

Will they truly end up in the same place?

In God's Eyes?

Concrete Corners

This is a colaboration with myself & my homegirl...The first part is mine's the last is hers....

Yes it’s the modern day depression

And I can’t even take a breath without knowing if I will be charged for the air I breathe

Roll up those sleeves

Hope for a better tomorrow

Though today is for the struggle

Anything to get that dough

Selfish Mentalities

Not having that urgency for rationalities

Yet ears to the amplified need for change

That hopeful brand pressed to our hearts

But let’s stop to be realI’m broke

No money

No joke

Can’t even buy my ego

Or those Hi tops I crave

To satisfy my fashion

Materialism engulfing us in giveaway prices

But who can even afford that

Without having thoughts of bag, borrow, or steal engraved in their minds

It will take time

But for how long

Patience is the last thing we want to have

Gimmie the loot, gimmie the loot

And the royalties to boot

Give me a bank full of moneyI’m desperate

I might shootBut no jail in my future

No bail in my future

But a continuation of this might be hell for our future

The prophecies of 2012 in our future?

$"The prophecies of 2012 in our future?"$

I can’t even see that far in my future

I’m living for today, hoping for promise of my future.

People killing themselves & their kinfolk-straight destroying their future

The nerve of being materialistic

Has evolved into narcissism-Narcissistic

Realism-to be realistic

Going to work not knowing if you’ll be laid off

Yea-sure college paid off

Nigga if they fire me they getting sprayed off

I’m gonna go postal on they ass-just to get this weight off

My shoulders

Draped in the same shit since 06’

How the hell can crack heads get their fix?

Whatever their hustle is, I need to pick it up quick

Find a scheme to get rich-hit a lick

I don’t give a fuck-anything to feed my kids

My babies starving worse than Marvin

Theorizing this like Darwin

But this ain’t no philosophy-it’s reality
My life, our world plagued by this hypocrisy
But if we stop & see

Out of this curse may be opportunity

A chance to break down barriers

And seek equality

Everybody is in the same boot

Hopeless, hopeful & broke

Doing what the can to stay afloat

Preparing for the worse & hoping for the best

Learning to live a fruitful life-for less

So through the stress & governments mess

Humble yourself & exude praise for what you have and have not’s

Before you hit the block & grab the glock

Shoot our youth with knowledge

So this madness will stop! The corner…"

PURPOSE pART 1

The world is beginning to be my closet

Or my tight clothed space

Air does not circulate as it should

Foolishness pollutes

I am claustrophobic

And I choke on the mess piled on my mind plate

Daily

So forget the cravings for breakfast, lunch and dinner

I always set my place to not even eat

And Who the hell set it up for down and out to be a daily routine?

Is happiness a superhero trying to fight the injustice of being sad?

Or even content?

Chuckle

Chuckle and my head tilt to the side to think of that statement

Is the world not upside down or is it the plague of history repeating a relentful trend?

Too deep to rectify?

Well let the Complicated Simply break it down

I have the family the friends the independence

But in a cruel world I still feel alone

My head buried in my hands

I scream inside

"WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PURPOSE?"

Do I go through my day working to live or living to work?

Not even an eventful or exciting day but fulfilled with bore

Now don't get me wrong I don't want to jump out of planes or scale building for a living but where does my purpose begin?

Conflict Diamonds

Three of us
Stuck in a place where we don’t want to be
Trying to make a way
And see brighter days
Carrying brighter hearts and minds
But shut down by a grey world
With the ground and rumble beneath our knees
Hands pressed together
The main Google search is “Purpose”
As tears flow from both eyes
Fluids filled with our curses

She

Taking battered moments

I

Rummage through sleepless nights
And Her

Dealing with unnecessary guilt from blind judgment

Trying to see the good in the bad
While the Angel on My shoulder is trying to persuade T’s against the Devil on Jah’s
Damn
When did life begin to be of a difficult nature?
No longer can we find our answers in the dictionary or encyclopedia
Only higher power has the truth set in stone
And we are the diamonds in the rough
Or in the deep seep of concrete we use to tread upon
Lies and obscurities are feed upon
Where does it all end?
Or should I say begin for the three?
Bright stars with big hearts
Only leading to a blues melody
“Not one more good deed”
But “Let me get one more drink”
Our issues need to come together with our problems and drown
Knowing they won’t die that way
The fist down on Her
My subconscious playing with Me
And She’s having words cut through her like the sharpest knives
Three very different similarities
He bruises bones
He Breaks hearts
And He has the slightest bit of care in his heart
I know we are diamonds in the rough
But who will free us of our rough exteriors ?
Polish our smiles?
And let us hang, drip, or sit upon their royalties?
Who will see our true beauty ?
Or are we forever
Conflict Diamonds?

SuperHero

Free will
Generosity
and love were the superpowers I donned
Put to use without question
Always putting others before myself
I am selfless girl living in a selfish world
So only time will tell when I too will sleep,eat , and breath the heaviness of selfishness
No longer being the superhero I was born to be
I am selfless girl living in a selfish world
Caring for others even when they are wrong
The weakness that emerges
As crimes of the heart steadily splurge
I am selfless girl living in a selfish world
My enemies being closer than I have perceived
Blood in fact
But I'm coming to grips with what I need to do and what feels right
Sometimes sitting in silence to use my power of observation
I see things clearly
Yet its become the darkest thing I have ever witnessed
I'm selfless girl living in a selfish world
Not in my power to use selfishness against the selfish
Oh no
But reality has been set
I'm selfless girl living in a selfish world
Trying to save others before myself
But Now I have been defeated
The selfishness has overpowered me
My loving heart destroyed
I'm average girl girl living in a selfish world
I can no longer be what you want me to be
The only one I'm saving is me
I'm average girl living in a selfish world
I am simple girl
I am invisible girl
I don't even exist

Inspected by #13

Every time I look at you

I try to figure you out

A joke and a laugh does it for me but not quiteI seek to know more

I remember when my eyes first laid on yours

They napped on questions that still remain there

And ever since I've had you on my mind

Thoughts of you run through my mind like sneakers to pavement

Stepping up to your door with an open mind

Open Heart

Whose key?

Mind blending on who is he

I'm being accepting to my new movement

With anticipation I try and breathe

Seeing if a connection will link in the distance

Your voice shooting nerves up and down my spine

Within the little time I am attentive to your expression

A bit scared to the fact that you appear to be that one that you dream about

Fantasize

I'm just wanting to know you

Get familiarized

So many signsI've been blind before

Yet it's the present not the past that I 'm shooting for

It's what I want for me

That's what I am rooting for

Trying to be patient

While temptation pulls for more

Trying to pull you towards me

Yet my words to a halt

I stop You need to start

But fuck it

I'm gone

No room for bad Quality

No Trespassing Bed-Stuy

Your game is not helping you

Your mad because you want someone that doesn't want you

Just like a grimy new yorker your mind is not even on me

you just want someone to satisfy your nerve

I am a goal you cant reach

My face don't say easy

but yours damn sure says sleazy and

How can you be mad

trying to sleep with strangers and wake up with enemies?

don't try to play me

I don't want you

you step to me everyday and I put you down every time

no is no

this anit play play

Milton Bradley is not my trademark

get it through your head

stick with your wife and kids

Always after some shit you don't need and its ridiculous

I'm not your average girl so walk on by

you mad

get a grip

fall back

Funky attitude cause I wont give you any?

I don't want you!

and I never even gave you the notion that I did

so how about you collect yourself and go on about your business

what can you possibly do for me but bring drama to my world

its already filled by topics of talk shows

so do yourself a favor

and 1 yourself

No sleep til brooklyn

Eyes wide open

look left

right

up

The ceiling is blank and I am trying to clear my head in the same notion

Thoughts of anything that is really not happening in my life is running through

Cant sleep

Trying to search for my purpose

No signs

rub my eyes to clear my vision

yet a resemblance to beer goggles

awake for more than 15 hours

no life to make me tried

only complaining this to myself

a job I don't like so no need to rest for it

happiness

i stress for it

sweat, blood, tears and years to nowhere

1/3 of your life sleeping

mine less

i keep looking at the time

telling myself to lay down and close my eyes

knowing in the back of my mind that will not happen

doing anything to waste time and get the heavy eye feeling

the sun soon returns and my eyes now shut

but an alarm disturbs

another sleep less night

Journey

Never comprehending the thought of him noticing

I couldn't see how this fine specimen could have me in his eyes

Silent stares of infatuation

We grant Hi's

We pass by

Words never walking

Thoughts steady running

Pursuing me in hand

With possible drama a foot

But he drives off

And within reason we meet again

His written perspectives giving me something to think about

For those who may pity them

I for one have taken seriously

I sort of grasp his concept

I understand a bit about where he is headed with this

At times I sensed a bit of cockiness

but who am I to judge what I only view, but not know

He seems to posses a purpose

I indulge in that sort of thing

My goal?

I will question

and answer

and listen

My honesty

His Vision

Just in need of good conversation

Laughter

Smiles

All in the journey of getting to know him

I pack my bags

Daily Verse

It puts my day into perspective

I grasp confidence, knowledge, and Hope

The lines are read in swift eye movements

Words traveling to the sensors in my brain

Creating thoughts of what is happening in my life

The words circle around my drama and issues

Exhaling out in a slow heart beat of relief

Once again I am guided in the way of Prosperity

Of Peace

Taking what is read and applying it to my Happiness

Filling in the holes of my soul

The knowledge of a higher Perspective

Not looking down on us

But from within us

Even still in the ones that have lost their way

Theirs eyes glimmer hope and their hearts pump sincerity

Having witnessed what can happen

Miracles in an abundance creating a curiosity for a possible increment of disbelief

But with the impatience on waiting for miracles

Do we not know what to do or how to act when they arrive?

Even when they are present to the eyes and the heart

As tangible as the concrete and steel we live around

Yet and still resting on Doubt

But these words render a peace of mind

A reassurance that everything is going to be okay

Placing a smile over my heart

An endearing bliss over thoughts of heaven

Getting this all from what he renders it to be

My Daily Verse and what it instills in me

I'm Done With Apologies (IF YOU HATE YOUR JOB BUT YOU GOTTA PAY THE BILLS)

They seek perfection
Never really ready to hear the unique reality of shit
My apologies are never really apologies
More like a front to what truly comes to mind
And my mind
Its a danger zone
Honesty blisters from these lips
Crack & Peel
Talking about things of irrelevance
Or just some shit I don't care to hear about
My mind blurts out that I don't care about your issues
They are not as serious as mine
Having problems you need to deal with on your own
Explaining your life story
And you feel like I should give you praise and glory
Though this position was chosen
It did not choose me
But in this economy
Anit nothing going on

But The Rent
And bills

Lining up to be paid
This is the only thing I have right now to achieve that
And that is to apologize and deal with the ways of your constant bullshit
I rant
I rant and rave because people are always gimme gimme gimme
So it takes an asshole to achieve success?
Money to the mountain tops but you retain from having bliss?
So at the little shit you are pissed off at
I laugh
The palm of my hand slapping my knee
Let me play back what you just said and see if your not laughing with me
Yes stupidity and ignorance form around each word your mouth generates
And sometimes when I'm told these stories of dissatisfaction my laughter blurts out
Can they sense the sarcasm as I'm listening to them?
As they complain about the smallest things
But Trust me bigger shit is happening in my world
And the petty drama you implode has to be given an apology?
While some still mad yet displaying there is no need for apologies.
No Apology?
That's all I can offer your ungrateful ass anyway
They expect more

Like a Bed, Bath, and Beyond type of situation
But Sorry my job description is not labeled "KISS ASS AGENT"
I grace no one with my sincerest apology
They are not deserving or worthy
Because who I'm really working for ...
Its not this company

Its for me
So I do apologize for ever applying to this so called position of disgrace
I didn't realize that dealing with people is this crazy
In no way do I relate to these people and understand how they feel
Fuck their feelings
I only apologize for not saying mine
Though I would cry while standing on the Unemployment Line