Random at work thoughts

I’ve been here before. Taking my two hands, three fingers each, rubbing the temples of my forehead. A deep gulp, a sigh, and a yawn with a promising set of low eyes that set my tone of mood. Sitting at my desk I hear people talking and passing by. I view them from the corner of my eye but not fully because I am not a people person as of today. I answer the phone in a tone in which I try to sound humble but that is the least of it. Only to the ones I work with do I have a sense of kindness to my voice today. However, only for the monetary bliss of it and how it pleases the moment. Sitting here and I am ready to leave within the hour when I only have 5 Left. 5 hours feels more like 5 years sitting here taking in the sounds of the music played even in the back office. Why do I have to be subjected to this terrible music? This random selection of genres in which I can tolerate yet feel like I am being choked by it every time I hear that same song being played that’s stuck in my head over the months and I catch myself humming to it like I actually like the song. I sense a slight bit of anger but then I breathe. I tell my self to stay content. Stay content for the promise of money. The Money I get every two weeks, wishing they would come around faster than they do. The Attraction walks by. Only thinking about him in ways that would be satisfactory to a life I wish I could live. The carefree one. The “Live Life Everyday to the Fullest” one. Picturing how it would only end in so many ways. None in which I am happy for a long period of time. Looking down at my paper, my notes. I’d rather be in a lecture of some sort right now. That takes me back to school. When things were interesting and life was like taking a road trip everyday. Never knowing where it might lead you or who you might meet along the way. Maybe a best friend, a long lost relative, a significant other, a spouse, a confidant. Only with so much more to the imagination. Taking the trip to remember the good memories in life. Chewing my fruit flavor gum slowly and adjusting my eyes to the computer screen. Stretching my arms and finding meaningless things to do because the important things very seldom get recognized in my world. I sit here and do nothing so am I nothing to some people? I have a more filling day when I am at home doing the same thing, which is nothing. My days drag to the point of where I am tired from being tired. But how can I complain when there are way worse off people than I am in this world? In this Country? In this region? In this State? In this city? On this block? In this Building? In this department? Right next to me? Me? Don’t get me wrong I feel blessed. I am satisfied. I am content. I am happy. But I have yet to be fulfilled. But maybe I have to live my life first before I could even reach that notion. Stop, Why are my hands and feet always cold? It could be hot or room temperature and my hands and feet would always be cold. I never understood that. Maybe I’m a vampire and I don’t know it. Laughing at that thought. Like the thought I have when I am smiling for a picture and my eyes squint as if I am half black half Asian. I laugh at my flaws. Maybe it’s because I only see them as me being human. Taking those cold hands to wipe my eyes. Looking straight ahead at push pins, papers, and corkboard. Things put up for us to remember. Some things have changed, some have stayed the same. Like my friendships or my family ties. Today is my nieces birthday. She’s turning two. I really want to be the aunt I dream to be and think I can be. We live so far away. Will they even remember me? When I have enough money and establishment to take them places and do things with them? Teach them, Spoil them, Love them Listen to them. And not like a mother listens to a child but how an aunt does it? I need something that drives me. To give me will power. I don’t want a life lesson per say, I just need a …Force. To push me into to what I know I can achieve with the character I already exude. I look down at my nails. They are growing back again. I wonder how many times they will grow and break and grow back again? How many times has it happened already? The attraction comes to my desk. Standing there tall, back straight, clean shave, Hair cut, Melting smile. He hands me paper for a request. I want to push it away and tell him he can have me right here. That’s that carefree thought. I say okay and he lingers telling me something else but I drift into his eyes. I like the way he lingers. As if he is trying to tell me something but then decides not to. Like a secret. Minutes pass. I break out the highlighter and high light the times people claim they are leaving. Its 3:07 Pm. Standard Eastern Time. Worrying if I will make my financial situation work. Why does money have to be the root of all evil? But yet and still money doesn’t grow on trees? I lol to that. I’m allowing these thoughts. They are mine I can have them. I can express them. Or I can keep them as a secret. The attraction is jealous. He wants someone to talk to him. I’d rather do something else. Mind in the gutter. It’s there half of the time. I leave soon. But not right now. I got to wait.

Intense

The first time I ever really looked in your window
It was intense
A wave crashing over me
Pulling me in
I remember every moment
The Happy
The sad
The indifferent
The now
Wishing I had this butterfly effect
Change my past
To fill you into my future
My feelings for you
Like a sentence with a blank space
A, b, or c could be the fill-in
Like that cavity that was never filled-in
I’m still complaining
Because I still don’t have an answer to why it hurts so much?
Hurts as in present-tense
And I feel like I am beating on a dead horse
Dragging unexplained things through the mud
I pride myself for stopping for a whole year
But my strength doesn’t seem to make sense when it comes to you
Like fire fighting water
Who wins?
Trying to make myself hate you?
It didn’t work
Trying to ignore you?
I kept paying attention
Not trying to be your friend
Or your enemy
Where is the balance?
Maybe they’re left with so many unanswered questions